BFN

I took a test this morning... not even really sure why I took one. I knew before I even took it that it would be negative. I'm pretty sure I never even ovulated this cycle. I just want to be able to positively tell the dr when I call on Monday if AF doesn't show that I am indeed not pregnant. I knew that trying to get pregnant would have a lot of ups and downs but geez I didn't imagine how many downs it would be. I'm trying to be positive... I really am. I am actually a very positive and upbeat person and if you asked me to my face how I was doing I would smile and say great.... inside it is a different story. Inside I am not the smiling, happy girl I portray on the outside. I know I haven't been trying long but more than anything I just want to have a baby. This stress of not having regular cycles and worrying if there is something wrong with me making us incapable of ever having a baby is just too much. I am going to bible study and we have been reading Genesis. It seems like in Genesis everyone is trying to get pregnant, can't get pregnant, and then all of a sudden God allows them to be pregnant. I felt like my preacher was talking directly to me last week when he said sometimes we just have to let go because we are trying to control our lives too much. Sometimes we just need to let God do his thing (not exact words but that is the premise). I have been trying to just let go. I have started trying to not stress as much about if what I am doing is keeping me from getting pregnant and just being me... it is hard though.

who knows!

Who knows what is going on. I plan on taking another pregnancy test this weekend.... not really sure there is any point in it because I'm not even sure I ever even ovulated. I plan to call the dr. on Monday if I get a negative test & AF doesn't show...Wish me luck that something will happen and I won't have to call the dr!

Crappy day!

Blah is all I can say about today. I keep waiting and praying that one of two things will happen each morning when I take my temperature....
1. my temps will finally show I o'd and stay that way or
2. AF will show.
I woke up again this morning to be disappointed by a low temp and no AF. Then work was super stressful today and I just don't feel right. I told my husband I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown each and every day. He is trying to be supportive but he keeps saying the dreaded "you need to stop stressing so much." I KNOW that... I am trying to stop stressing but then I stress about stressing... I think I'm verging on lunacy. I plan on calling my dr if one of the two above things do not happen very soon. It is hard for me to get off work to go to the dr and that will cause MORE stress so I'm trying to wait until I know my body isn't going to cooperate on its own....please body cooperate for me. I'm not even begging for pregnancy this cycle.... just let me start a new cycle on my own.

~Britney~

About me...

I have always had trouble expressing myself out loud. I am much better at writing my feelings so I decided to begin a blog. I figured this way I could write my feelings and emotions and maybe, possibly, I could help others that may be feeling the same way I am. First, let me tell you a little about myself...

I am 24 years old, been married for four years, and am desperately wishing to have a baby. I have been wanting to have a baby for a while now but wanted to get certain things accomplished. I wanted to complete my master's degree, get a good job, and get established in that job before I started a family. I wanted to be able to give my future children an amazing life. I have done all of these things and in doing them my need to have a baby has intensified. So, after a year of working my dream job my husband and I decided to begin trying to have a baby. Not to brag, but I have always been successful at everything I have put my mind to. I have had to work hard at everything but I have always been able to accomplish everything that I set my mind to, so I automatically assumed having a baby would be the same thing. I know, very naive. I jumped in with both feet and did all the research... I found out what foods to eat, what foods to not eat, which positions were good, which positions were bad, what could kill the sperm, what what would help them to get where they needed to be, how to figure out when to babydance, etc... I was ready & prepared and knew it would happen. That was June... now we are in October and here I am still not pregnant & having the craziest cycle I have ever had in my life.

I know we haven't been trying long but I never imagined how frustrating & heartbreaking trying to have a baby could be. Very few people know we are trying. My mother wants us to have a baby so bad that she makes it obvious at every moment possible. Any time we are around a baby she will go out of her way to get the baby just to give the baby to me to hold. "Don't you want to feed the baby? Don't you want to hold the baby? Isn't the baby cute?" She has even gone out and bought a crib for "you know when you have a baby." Now, when I ask her if she wants me to have a baby she says oh no... you need to wait as long as possible... enjoy your life before making that huge step. Very hypocritical! Anyway, I have not told her we are trying... I know that if she knew she would be asking me every other day if I was pregnant yet and I just can't handle that. None of my family knows about it. The only people that know are a few very close friends. That being said, it is so hard not having many people to talk to it about. There are so many ups and downs it would be nice to have more people that understood what I was going through. I am very thankful from TMP where I can go and vent and hear other pepole's stories and learn from them. They are such a comforting group of girls... I can't imagine going through this time without them.

Well, I guess that is all for now...

~ All my love ~

Britney